Dear Salina and Marina,

So here’s my mess. There’s this guy I’m “friends” with. Except how am I supposed to

act like just friends when we’ve hooked up before? Like, we’ve kissed, we’ve slept in

the same bed, there was a real connection. For weeks we spent every day together,

had multiple sleepovers, deep conversations and so much more. And now I’m just

supposed to sit across from him and pretend we’re study buddies or something? No.

My brain cannot do casual amnesia.

He told me he’s “not ready for anything serious” right now, he has to “work on

himself,” maybe someday in the future blah blah blah. Like sir, I’m not waiting six

to eight business months for your emotional availability to ship. And of course, I’ve

heard this line before: last year another guy said the exact same thing, and two

months later, new girlfriend. So is this my brand? Am I the free trial before the real

thing?

I tried moving on. I went on a date with a genuinely sweet, respectful guy—the kind

of guy girls say they want… but I kept comparing him to Mr. Emotionally

Unavailable the whole time. Like, “okay, but he’s not him.” My brain loves toxic men

apparently, because if someone’s nice to me, I’m just bored. And then this guy

ruined it anyway by sending weird texts like “goodnight, I wish I could sleep with

you” and “you’re so short, I just wanted to pick you up.” Like, what the fuck?

And here’s the real plot twist: usually I hyperfixate on one guy like a normal clown.

But lately? It’s like I’m spreading my delusion around. I’ve got, like, three crushes at

once. I don’t even recognize myself. I think I’m trying so hard to get over my

situationship that I’ve just gone full feral and started collecting crushes like

Pokémon.

So what do I do? Do I stop torturing myself with this “friendship” that isn’t really

friendship? Do I try to rewire my broken brain so nice guys don’t give me the ick?

Or do I just embrace my fate as someone who will forever be obsessed with

emotionally unavailable chaos men?

Please help me out,

A confused reader x

Mr ‘Emotionally Unavailable’ - A Pinch of SSE Salt

Dearest Reader,

We received your letter in a small, local coffee shop just off Södermalm. After

walking along the scenic paths of Centralbron, we needed a break from the chilling

air, so surrounded ourselves with the comforting smell of freshly baked kanelbullar.

In the ‘ber’ months, as the air gets colder and the winds sharper, it can be tempting

to look for and cling on to a special someone to snuggle up with. However, when that

someone turns out to be an avoidant, toxic man, your heart can sustain a horrible

case of frostbite…

Your words will be strikingly familiar to a lot of us. Many have fallen victim to a ‘Mr

Emotionally Unavailable’ who dangles the bait of real connection when they need it,

and then pulls back before they have to commit to anything. You are not a ‘broken

brain’, you are someone undergoing a very normal human response to experiencing

intimacy before having the emotional rug pulled out from underneath you. Anyone

who tells you that it should be easy to go “back to being friends when (we) just shared

a bed” (sombr, 2025) is lying to you, don’t let someone else gaslight you about it.

You are not a ‘free-trial’ or ‘delusional’, you are a hot, intelligent university student

navigating adulthood surrounded by an immature dating pool at a university where

the male to female ratio is worse than a squirrel at cards. Figuring emotions and

relationships out at this stage in our lives feels giant, with big tidal waves of feelings

and connections that feel seismic. That is valid. Yet your self worth is not defined by

some musty, dusty man who doesn’t possess the basic human communication skills

or self control needed to say what he is looking for at the start of your relationship.

Sure, maybe you feel a little insane right now, but we all need to experience some

confusion and insanity in life to really discover what we want and how we deserve to

be treated.

Talking about sanity, however, it is best to close this chapter as soon as possible and

distance yourself from someone who clearly doesn’t give two about your feelings.

Surround yourself with real friends, let them know how you feel, there is no better

therapy than ranting to or laughing with your friends about a diabolical situation.

My freshers crush, for example, was a similar experience of absolute madness. But,

as I was ranting to my friends about this confusion, one of them interjected ‘Joe

who? Jo Mama?’ and after that, as if by magic, the whole thing wasn’t so serious

anymore. It became a running joke in our friendship that we still reference to this

day and I thank the unassuming Jomama for it every second I’m alive.

Like me with Jomama, if you really took a good step back and imagined yourself in

an actual relationship with this man, you would be horrified and realise you dodged

several bullets. Low emotional intelligence, poor communication, thoughtless,

selfish…the list goes on. Soon the polish wears away and you are left with another

raggedy Tom or Erik who isn’t deserving of, or ready for, a relationship with anyone.

Sure, maybe he will end up with someone in a few months, but you should thank the

stars it isn’t you.

Moving onto this second ‘nice guy’, girl, run. There is a lot to unpack about these

disgusting people who disguise their one-track minded intentions with a thick veneer

of ‘respectable’, ‘gentlemanly’, ‘funny’ before flipping the script and turning creepy.

The joke is that he will have no idea that by sending weird, unsolicited, sexual

messages you now think he is an absolute perv. These weird comments make it clear

that he does not respect women or at the very least doesn’t have the foggiest on how

to talk to them. Don’t let his whole nice guy persona throw you off, block.

But just because it didn't work out with this ‘nice guy’ doesn’t mean you’re in love

with avoidance. Perhaps this feeling is an indication that you need some time with

yourself. Sure we all want what we can’t have, yet it is also nice to have what we want.

You are young, you have time. Remember your value, you are worth more than a

man that doesn’t want you and you can easily find an attractive someone else who

does.

Coming to this multiple crush situation, it doesn't sound like a bad thing at all.

Having a crush is super fun especially when you’ve got several. You are going to be

leading the convo on girl’s night or at least attending that 7am Monday morning

seminar a lot more often. It is good to stay open minded and optionful in dating.

Maybe one of those crushes might turn into something more. Keep expectations of

finding romance low and stay surprised and surprising.

We’re uni students. We’re young, and we’re meant to explore relationships and the

world around us. It isn’t necessary to settle down right away. Too many people hop,

skip and jump into awful university relationships that suck up their time, energy and

ultimately career opportunities. If you are going to date, find the right person who

cares about you and your journey. Maybe, for now, the real support you need against

the cold Winter blues is a nice warm kannelbullar and some good friends to share it

with.

Wishing you the best,

Stay in touch,

Marina and Salina XXX