De-normalising norms
Freedom of speech is undoubtedly a triumph of democracy. However, social media is often overwhelmed with critics condemning the misuse of this fundamental right. And yet I can not and will not argue that we should be allowed to roam the planet freely with an absent filter. We tend to forget that more often than not, there is another person on the other end of our words. Listening, reacting, learning. Instead, I will argue that in terms of speech, we are too liberal in the everyday sense of the word but nowhere near liberal enough in the true sense of the word.
Historically, we have never faced such collective social issues as we do today. As hunter-gatherers and up until arguably the middle ages, our main concerns were centred around a single goal: surviving. As the modern ‘advanced’ society encompasses more of the traditional world, we are increasingly governed by implicit heuristics. I use the quotation marks and italics in the previous sentence to hold accountable the role of society in advancing us forward in terms of capability but propelling us backwards in terms of utilitarian satisfaction. We’re overworked, overstressed and over governed. In truth, we have never been nor will we ever be free to our own will for our needs begrudgingly dominate. Yet in the few areas of life within which we are technically free, we fail to live up to the dream that our ancestors had when they fought for such liberation.
Fortunately, times are changing. People are speaking up. The brave are leading a hidden army of revolutionaries. The role which society plays on our everyday interactions is being put under increasing scrutiny and the path towards social justice, equality and sensical freedom is visible, albeit only by some. Others are either unlucky and ignorant.
Natural selection tells us that those with the dominant mutation outcompete those without it, the losers die off and thus that dominant mutation becomes ubiquitous within the population. Unfortunately, the movements for justice, equality and freedom will not spread as organically. The issue is that many presuppose that these movements involve matters which are not important to their own survival. The reality is that these naive individuals are mistakenly interpreting their expected survival with what is in fact their personal thriving within a society which favours some over others. Hence, it is only with empowerment, role models and above all common awareness, that we can reach a goal that is also ubiquitous among the human race.
With many topical debates poking the bear of social rigidity as we speak, I can not, in good homage to the cause, include all individual movements in this article. I have chosen to begin with a matter that I have grown increasingly aware of and motivated by - gender inequality.
At the time of writing, North-Western Europe at the very least is amassed with conversations of male ignorance and everyday female struggles. The conversation hence is starting. I took a moment to talk with Silva Krushovska, Founder of Women Envision, a community that has created a space for women to discuss women-centered topics and share personal experiences. She aims to help women find comfort in their struggles and empower them to be more vocal and supportive of each other.
Silva and I agree that many debates around topics that today’s society see as taboo seldom begin naturally. She told me how one of her goals was to engage guests in very genuine and normal discussions. “I don’t like overusing the word inspirational”, she told me early on in our conversation. “I try to be real. I do value real and genuine relationships and I think a lot of my friendships are based off of that”. The organisation is thus not just trying to create a safe space for women to discuss, Silva is normalising these often difficult conversations.
I ask how she realises these discussions when others are perhaps not as comfortable sharing their thoughts as she is. Silva tells me “you can always tell if someone feels comfortable or not. I always share something first. There is this movement and you can tell that people want to talk about these topics: they’re either looking for the space that will allow them to talk about these things or they’re craving that little push”. Women Envision hence has created that space and Silva, with her magnetic energy and captivating spirit, gives them that push.
“There’s definitely not something that I focus on most,” Silva tells me. Recently, her Instagram page has been flush with powerful quotes and personal views that engage her broad audience. Now that she is taking the community also onto the audio-only platform Clubhouse, her conversations can deepen but the possible scope of issues remains almost disconcerting for us both. “From day one, I’ve had a super long list of things that I want to cover and I keep adding on to that. [It can be anything] from is feminism a bad word to let’s devote a week to being kind to each other and see what happens. It could be more specific such as body positivity and mental health topics or we can go deeper into very woman-specific things such as menstruation or being on the pill.”
Silva and I think that we should be talking more about these issues. The path is long, burdensome and vast to freedom, yet the initial barrier is breaking down that brick wall that we call social stigma. “Recently I’ve had a lot of conversations about being on the pill with a lot of my friends”, Silva starts to tell me, getting increasing frustrated by these conversational hindrances in our daily life. “ We’ve just realised that we are young and quite intelligent, educated women and we just don’t know a lot about the hormones that we take everyday. It’s just a social thing and also there is a lack of options. If we don’t talk about this, we can’t ask for change as we don’t know enough about the problem.”
Of course contraception is just one example of women specific issues that are seldom discussed between genders. Others include rape culture, sexuality or menstruation. “Women don’t talk about periods” Silva says. “Society says periods are gross and we don’t need to talk about them. I think that’s making not only women’s lives harder, but also making it more challenging for men to realise our struggles”.
This brings us on to the topic of universal inclusion within gender issues. I challenge Silva on the past stigma of feminism as a dogma. She tells me that being associated with feminism has entailed suffering from negative stereotypes. “I remember when I was young,” she explains, “people used feminist as a word to insult each other like ugh you’re such a feminist, you’re such a man hater”. We both agree however, that in some countries, today’s environment is more progressive than that but other regions are lagging behind. “If I would say I’m a feminist, others would say oh so you don’t shave? It’s about a movement, and pushing beyond the constraints of society. If you want to wear makeup, that’s ok. If you don’t want to, that’s ok too. It is about accepting the choices of the individual not the pressures of society.”
Silva continues to describe some of the everyday scenarios that she has personally faced that males are often not aware of and that women rarely discuss. “I had a game theory exam which is very specific and technical and it was an oral examination. I got my period that morning and I was in a lot of pain so I took painkillers. Painkillers make your brain very drowsy and I was headed in to this exam. Now, I’m not only stressed out about the exam but I’m stressed out as my brain was not working properly. I forgot what I was doing in the middle of the exam. Of course that affected my grade; that affected my whole day. It wasn’t too bad but I could’ve done a lot better if I didn’t have to deal with that”.
Silva moves on to tell me about how expectations are traditionally different for men and women. “I’m a person who speaks up about most things and I’m not afraid to be honest. But when it comes to negotiating [a salary], I’m a little nervous. I can see my male friends are not like this. they just go in and ask for it. As women, we doubt ourselves. It is more likely that women have imposter syndrome, even more if you are a female in an ethinic minority. There are just so many things that are on our minds”. Silva describes the relative disparity that exists between how women are described by social norms and how men are. “Last night I stumbled upon a leadership course at a prestigious university for women. It was about teaching women to be more powerful in the workplace; how to negotiate more freely and how to ask for what you deserve. Basically how to do the things that men already do. So we have to pay for a course which is going to teach us how to be what we are supposed to be to begin with.”
In fact, binary gender studies are frequently framed as a result relative to the other sex. Why are women less competitive than men? Why are women paid less than men? Why are women more sensitive to situations than men? “I read a quote yesterday” Silva says, ’that if a guy does something that he thoroughly thought about, then it is strategic. If a woman does the same thing, then it is calculated. A man reacts but a woman overreacts. Men have used this against me and it deprives you from reacting at all. It’s so embedded in our minds that we have to think about everything that we do 1000 times before we do something and then after we do it, we think about it 1000 times more.”
The problem, hence, is incredibly convoluted and no one solution is dominant in such a web of frictions. It crosses into so many facets of life and is embedded within the gender identity asymmetries of our culture. I ask Silva about a topic that is often discussed within mono-gendered circles. “[Women] were rarely taught that they should enjoy sex. We were led to believe that it was mostly about the guy”. I pushed for her opinion on discussing the most taboo topics such as sex. “I think even [women] are still learning in that we are slowly getting more comfortable about these things: it’s definitely a learning curve even for us. I’ve definitely noticed that my friends and I are getting more comfortable talking about things such as vibrator recommendations or our sex experiences. I’ve felt the change: just embracing your sexuality is an eye opener.”
To break this barrier hence, there is absolutely no doubt that it is not just a problem for women, it is a problem for all genders. Silva explains her opinion, “well it’s a man’s world so men should listen to what we have to say and why it is a problem and how they can help. It’s really important to know that this is not a woman’s battle alone and men are just as important a factor in this as much as women. The bottom line is if you can be a CEO, I can be a CEO too. And I think that men don’t sometimes see how many battles we have to fight during the day”.
Silva pauses here, ready to summarise the problem and the conversation, tying it up into a pithy climax. “I always say that it’s important that we involve everyone in this because this is not just our battle, we all live in a society together so it is for men and women and for everyone who identifies differently. We have to find the best possible way to live together. I like reassuring people that feminism is not about men-hating, it’s about equality: political, economic, social and personal equality. And it’s as simple and as complicated as that”.